Finite

Anxiety stems from my finiteness, such definition, such absoluteness. I know that one day I will die. What I don’t know is how or when or why. What kills me even more is that those I love will be no more, torn away before I’m ready, so forlorn. Am I alone in this fear, these tears? Or do we all hold this inside, the bitter idea that we will die? Maybe it’s a natural human tendency; maybe we’re transcended endlessly, never capable of meeting expectations set by an infinite God; maybe we’ve been outdone by the one we laud. Or maybe we’re still holding our belief at arm’s length. If we believe when convenient, then I think we’re all in agreement, this way of life is not deviant. We place standards on ourselves to overcome, but we’re out to overcome the one we can’t even run from.

Challenge

I can see myself doing so many things. Becoming an editor. Getting published. Becoming a college professor, even. But it’s really not me that I see doing those things. It’s some future version of myself, some far off future me who eventually gets to do everything she wants to do and who has the courage and confidence to do them without question. But the truth of the matter is, that person doesn’t exist. Sure, people change. But all that bullshit about being different people throughout our lives, I don’t believe that. Yes, I am different than who I was five years ago. But I’m not so fundamentally different that I’m a different person entirely. I may not have quite as many quirky attributes, and I don’t post as many selfies or stupid posts on social media as I used to, but deep down, I’m the same girl who nearly had a panic attack every first class in college all the way up until her senior year. I have the same fears, the same insecurities, the same anxieties, and to be honest, some of them have only gotten worse with time. Maybe I wasn’t nervous about first classes anymore by the time I got to my senior year, but look how many classes it took me to get to that point. The characteristic behind that scenario is my fear of new situations, and that fear is still alive and kicking. I don’t see me doing the things I want because I lack the courage to do them. All I can see the present me doing is working at a dead end job that takes the happiness out of my life, detracts enormously from my social and family life by forcing me to work evenings, and adds stress to the most important relationship in my life, the relationship with my fiancée, because I feel like I’m never around and never have time to even plan our wedding. That’s the only place I can see myself as I am now. So instead, I picture myself fulfilling my dreams somewhere down the road in the future when I have the courage to fulfill them. But in reality, I will never have the courage. I will never have the courage to walk into my first real job interview with the confidence that I can get that job no problem. I will never have the courage to spend my first day at my first editing job self-assured that I made the right choice, that my new employer made the right choice, and that I can absolutely do the job I have just begun. I will never have the courage to walk into a classroom of college students, of any students, for the first time and know that I am in the right place and that I can get through the day, let alone the semester or school year, without screwing things up. That’s not who I am. That’s not who I ever will be as far as I know. I still have my anxiety, and I still am wary of new situations; in fact, I’m terrified of them. Which is why I have to just do it anyway. I have to apply to that job. I have to go to that interview. I have to suffer through my first day or week or month of that  job, whatever it takes for me to become comfortable. I have to get the education I need to be that professor, if that’s what I decide I want. And I have to walk into that classroom despite the part of me that wants to run away screaming in terror merely at the thought of having to talk to more than one person at a time. I can’t wait around for me to become someone who can do what I want to do with my life, because I will never be that person in the future if I’m not her right now. I may not have the ability to not be nervous or scared of change, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the ability to pursue my goals. It just makes it more of a challenge along the way.

Words for a Bad Relationship

I've only been in one bad relationship from which to draw any description, but here are the words I came up with. I forget most things about that relationship, but sometimes it's helpful to remember where you've come from before lapsing once more into forgetfulness.

Inadequate
You're never as good as you need to be; even when you try your hardest he's not happy

Not knowledgeable
You're belittled when you don't know something and you're offered no explanation

Childish
You're spoken to as though you are a child, as though you should look up to him

Unintelligent
Your discussions ultimately come down to being told that you just don't understand

Lacking confidence
He says he likes it when you're confident, but it makes him more distant

Immature
You don't know as much as he does about relationships

Inexperienced
You aren't as good as the last one

Always at fault
Regardless of whose actions are being discussed, it always comes back to you

Isolated
You never see him when you are with your friends; if you are with anyone, it is his friends

Unimportant
You feel the need to remain silent when around other people, and you are not spoken to

Pressured
You feel a need to do things you don't want to do

Trapped
You feel as though if you left he wouldn't survive

Useless
You have no purpose besides sexual gratification or a silent companion when he's "lonely"

Young Bride

Sometimes I see my friends who are younger than me getting married, and I'm jealous. Or I see my friends my age who've been married years and have kids. I'm sad. It bothers me. I start wishing I'd had that. The chance to begin that stage of my life that early. I'll wish that I'd met my boyfriend sooner and that we'd gotten married two and a half years ago, and I think how great things would be now. I plan it all out in my head, something that never can happen because that opportunity is already gone. And it makes me sad.

Then I think of all the times my life has gone exactly as I planned for it to. Which is to say, I realize that it never has. I can't know what will happen in the future, and I can't know what would have happened in the past had things been different, or even how things would be now.

I realize that I feel as though we've wasted time, as though the years we didn't spend together have somehow been wasted because we never can live them together.
But those years have made us who we are. Those years have given us the ability to be happy together, something I don't know we would have had if we'd been together sooner. The experiences we each lived in the time before we met are why we love each other the way we do now, and it would be difficult for me to say I wish I could change that. There are certainly things I regret and things that bother me from both of our pasts, but I can't say I wish that to avoid it we'd been together the whole time, that we'd married when I was eighteen or nineteen and that we had three kids by now. I want a family, but I want that when we're ready for one.

I want to marry soon, in the year I'm twenty two, which isn't as old of an age as I sometimes think it is. I don't want to wait for another five years, or anything of the sort. But I'm glad we're in the position we are today. Because if we weren't in this position, we may not have ever gotten married at all. I'm glad that I don't marry at eighteen because I wasn't the person I am today, and I'm glad that it is the person I am today who will be marrying the person my boyfriend is today.

Responsibilities

I keep seeing stuff about that blog post by Veronica Partridge and now that follow-up article by Ashley Dickens. So many Christians have been outraged by Dickens' article.

I agree that modesty is important, but I also agree with the Dickens that there are other, larger issues at play that Christians do avoid. I think the author may have been too harsh on the woman who wrote the original article, however, as she never intended it to be widely read or discussed. However, I do find it ridiculous that the post was as popular as it was when articles about some of the topics mentioned in the Dickens article barely even get noticed in most Christian communities, let alone get discussed and argued about with such great intensity. And that's not to mention how few people read about a serious issue and actually do something about it.

While I do wear yoga pants, I don't have a problem with the original post. Yet I do agree with this writer's point that there are far more important unresolved issues in this world that far too many Christians would prefer to ignore while they focus on issues they think they are responsible for, such as whether or not to wear yoga pants. But as Christians, we are responsible, whether it involves us or not whether we caused it or not, we are responsible for the pain and suffering and the damage in this world.

I think the main thing we should take away from all of this is that arguing on the internet isn't doing anyone any good, and it never will. If we mean what we say in all of our angry posts and comments, then why don't we get out there and do something in the world?

A Farewell

Here is my farewell to 2014 in the form of a few of my written thoughts from throughout the year.

Sometimes I wish I had pen and paper with me at all times.

Sometimes I almost cry just because I have to eat my ice cream alone.

Sometimes I need a change of scenery to help me think, to help me not go insane.

Sometimes the weather's nice and I'm still not entirely happy.

It amazes me at times that I can still smile.

Sometimes I enjoy the delicious taste of the expression of rage. Other times I am repulsed by my own abrasiveness.

Sometimes I wish my college life could just go back to reading textbooks and taking exams.

I'm only emotionally stable when it's absolutely necessary.

I wish I was as awesome as I imagine I am.

There are some mistakes that no one can prevent you from. And there are some mistakes that if prevented you would never become the person you are today or the person you will be in the future.