Emptiness

Sometimes emptiness is so heavy it feels like its own substance. As if the hollowness of this absence is a weight your heart could never bear, an oppressive burden you seek to extract. Emptiness is not merely a void; it is far less abstract. There is no emptiness. Where loss leaves a space, it is soon filled with less than favorable emotions. Grief. Sorrow. Loneliness. Guilt. Regret. Longing. Saudade. Each a full, individual feeling, attempting to occupy the same empty space at the same time as each of the others, and no matter how large that space is, it can never hold them all, and every other space in your being is infiltrated by a conglomerate of emotions no one has yet learned how to entirely successfully deal with. No matter how much knowledge or experience we acquire, no matter how much we observe this affect, we will never conquer our fear of emptiness, or rather, our fear of overwhelming amounts of varied intense sentiments

Words for a Bad Relationship

I've only been in one bad relationship from which to draw any description, but here are the words I came up with. I forget most things about that relationship, but sometimes it's helpful to remember where you've come from before lapsing once more into forgetfulness.

Inadequate
You're never as good as you need to be; even when you try your hardest he's not happy

Not knowledgeable
You're belittled when you don't know something and you're offered no explanation

Childish
You're spoken to as though you are a child, as though you should look up to him

Unintelligent
Your discussions ultimately come down to being told that you just don't understand

Lacking confidence
He says he likes it when you're confident, but it makes him more distant

Immature
You don't know as much as he does about relationships

Inexperienced
You aren't as good as the last one

Always at fault
Regardless of whose actions are being discussed, it always comes back to you

Isolated
You never see him when you are with your friends; if you are with anyone, it is his friends

Unimportant
You feel the need to remain silent when around other people, and you are not spoken to

Pressured
You feel a need to do things you don't want to do

Trapped
You feel as though if you left he wouldn't survive

Useless
You have no purpose besides sexual gratification or a silent companion when he's "lonely"

Evenings

I was watching the lightning in the north sky. It might have been heat lightning. It reminded me of last night when I watched the lightning tear through the sky, the same sky, both brilliant and terrifying at the same time. The fact that I was driving didn't help the matter. The thought of being struck pervaded my mind much of the trip. But this was different. It was far away, not causing explosions in my field of vision, with thunder echoing its response to the fissures of light spreading downward from the heavens. It reflected the internal workings of my being. Just as much as I was panicked last night, I am calm tonight. I am too alone to panic. Loneliness is like a drug. It is an addictive substance that is at once calming and terrifying. Strong emotions flee, unable to resist the pervading force of emptiness, of sorrow. Like the heat lightning in the distance. Perhaps it is something that should frighten. But the subtle beauty of it, the sad solemnity of its silence, drive away all thought of fear. A calmness spreads its way through your body, through your mind, because it feels safe, it feels empty.