Eyes

The eyes terrify me. Those chasms of blackness staring back at me. I think I see evil behind them. I see an ugly human being with an ugly mind. I see the sorrow and the anger held behind the eyes, dying to be seen, desperate to come forth. Terror forces me to turn, to look away, to avoid the glances despite the desire to stare. There is no immediate resolution. I simply must forget the eyes when I am not looking at them. Until again, I see those eyes. I have seen them countless times between, but I notice them once more. They are at once fear-inducing and calming. I look more closely, and I realize that the eyes make more sense now. They are matched by a sorrowful face. No fake smile accompanies the doleful eyes. Not evil; out of place. Out of context it is unsettling, this sadness. But when confronted with the undeniable truth of the eyes and the mind behind the eyes, they seem at last in place, if not unwanted. The willingness to acknowledge a feeling can allow for acceptance of the symptoms, understanding of the consequences of emotion. It is difficult to accept the actions of others, not to mention the catalysts within the others' brains. It is even more difficult to accept our own actions, our own anger, our own lack of rationality. The eyes terrify me because if I want to see them, they must see me, piercing into my very soul, seeming to perceive something I cannot, their pupils following mine in the mirror, never relenting, yet never unveiling what secrets they have uncovered.

Poem

Written for the dreams of the dead and dying
Deceived by those who are always lying
Their tongues drip with deception
Bitter cold is their reception
Some, desperate for love, think to find it here
I cannot find love in hatred-filled sneers
Oh, God, come cleanse me from the evil beside me
Rip out the fingers around the heart inside me
They are hopeful that they can claim me for their own
Unfortunately for them, I am not alone
I am far beyond their touch
They cannot count me as such:
I am no longer under their false power
You fill me more with Yours every passing hour
I do not seek from them love I do not need
I have what I want and I pay them no heed
I cannot be counted among the dead
Despite any whispered words they have said
Neither am I the one who is dying
It is merely them practicing lying
But some are deceived, some are dying and they are dead
It is for any hope they have, these words I have said
I know there is hope because my soul is saved
And I hope with this hope, the Way I have paved

Letter of Despair

 I don't know what this is, aside from a letter left by someone who lost all - or rather had all taken from him.  Not literally, of course, because I was the one who wrote it. But I feel like it would be a sort of prologue or introduction to a journaling of the dark events of his torturous life, were it actually real.

    "Indeed this is a tale of dark happenings, of evil occurrences and curses not even imagined.  My strength is gone from my body; I am no longer the man I once was.  I regret the direction my life took those many years ago; though I must confess to you now, this guilt should not be my own.  I ponder for lonesome hours what deeds I could have performed to prevent this fate, what actions I could have taken to avoid the travesties that have since befallen me.  But in all honesty, no action or deed on my part could have saved me from the torment that overtook me.  As mentioned afore, my strength is not present, and my emotions have long ago frayed – to the point I wonder if someday they should cease to exist entirely.  All that remains intact is my mind.  This was no accident that my sanity remains, but was the most planned and most devious of all their intentions.  Without my mind how should I suffer?  Their deceitful intelligence has not yet failed them, and especially not concerning this.  So I suffer alone with memories best forgotten but that never will be while life remains and death has not taken me.  These are memories of all I once had and memories of how all was lost through no fault of my own.  I lay in misery with no strength and I remember the dark days that have passed already and I think of the dark days I know are yet to come.  And yet this is not the worst of it.  The greatest tragedy is that we love no longer.  I  mourn most for the love I once possessed, but alas, is now no more."

(He is not regretting so much that the person he loves is not with him, but the fact that all that has been done to him has left him incapable of love - he is not missing this person and loving her from afar, but rather missing that he once loved her for he can no longer love anyone).

Ecclesiastes Part 4

Definitely didn't post one a day... But here's another!

Ecclesiastes Chapter Four

Verses 1-3

Because of all the evil and oppression in the world Solomon is saying that the ones who are no longer living here are better off than those still alive, and the ones who have it best are the ones who have not yet lived and therefore have not seen all the evils of the world.

Verses 4-8

He is talking about selfishness here – whether it is someone coveting what someone else has, or constantly laboring just to gain more for oneself.  He says that both are worthless pursuits – “grasping for the wind.”

Verses 9-12

This stresses the importance of human companionship.  Although God truly is all we need, He gave us other people for a reason – because it was “not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).  God wants us to have friends, to have people who will hold us up and who we can do the same for.  They can help us in practical matters and in spiritual matters.

Verses 13

Age and status and wealth are not important – wisdom matters more.  As my professor says often, “You can have a wise young person, and you can have an old fool.”

Ecclesiastes

     I've been reading the book of Ecclesiastes recently in the Bible.  I've always liked that book, for some reason.  This time I decided to write about it as well.  It's mostly been to help me remember it and to figure out for myself what I think it is talking about, but I decided to share what I've been writing.  This is from chapter 1 and I'm going to do my best to post another chapter every day.  And if you read this, comments would be awesome, because I would love to hear if you agree or disagree with my perception of Solomon's words in this book.  And there are some things that I completely do not understand at times, and would love to know if you do!

Ecclesiastes Chapter One

Verses 1-11

The earth continues on, but humans are only here a short time; then they are gone.  No one does anything new, and nothing new can be found on earth, for it has already been done.  But no one remembers the things that have already happened, just as no one will remember the things of the future once they too have become things of the past.

Verse 8

It was talking about the labor of the earth, and says this: “All things are full of labor; man cannot express it.  The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.”  I think this is just saying that we are not satisfied with just watching the world; that we want to experience things for ourselves.  After this verse, it talks about how nothing is new, and yet no one remembers that it has already happened.  I think Solomon is saying that we aren’t happy only seeing that someone else has done it, so we choose to forget what happened before us.

Verses 12-18

“For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.” (v. 18)

Does Solomon not appreciate the gift of wisdom that he asked for and received from God?  Maybe he does appreciate it, but at the same time, with all his knowledge and wisdom he knows of all the evil that goes on in the world, therefore he is lamenting the fact that with this gift also came the curse of knowing of all the evil going on beyond his control (He says later in Chapter Three that “in the place of judgment, wickedness was there; and in the place of righteousness, iniquity was there.”  He wishes he did not have the realization that there is so little good “under the sun” and that in its place is sin and wickedness).  Because of his wisdom, he has been able to see all of the worthless pursuits on earth (14), and it seems as though he wonders if seeking wisdom is simply another worthless pursuit because of this “curse” it brings with it (17, 18).

“Grasping for the Wind”

Solomon uses the phrase “grasping for the wind” throughout the entire book of Ecclesiastes, saying about nearly everything he talks about that it is “vanity and grasping for the wind.”  He is saying that these things are useless pursuits; attempts that always fail.  You can feel the wind, but you can never hold it.  He’s talking about worthless pursuits – you can work at it all you want, but you will never achieve your goal.

Can one take hold of the wind?  Can one grasp it firmly in his grip?  Indeed, the wind clearly exists, but cannot be captured – it can be felt, but never held.

Ephemeral

Ephemeral

So many times I find joy over time, yet find frustration easier.  The joy fades in the light, or rather darkness, of my discouragement.

Why do I let go this joy so easily?  Why do I not hold it close to myself as the treasured possession it is and never let go, for it was meant to last forever?

I know the discouragements will come, but why must they overpower the joy?  Why are they stronger than this beauty I have been given?

The joy should be stronger, everlasting, and not weak and destroyed by frustration’s powerful hand.

But the joy is stronger.  It is never destroyed.  The joy outlasts the frustration, for those evils are short-lived, though often in coming, and this beauty is eternal and ever-present.

The discouragements are not stronger than the joy.  Indeed, it is not the joy that they overpower, but I.

For I refuse to hold onto the joy.  When distractions come into view, my eyes leave the joy.  The joy, this beauty, this gift, falls from my frightened hands.

The joy is still there.  There at my feet.  If only I would but glance down and retrieve it.  But instead I stand fixated by what I fear most.

If only I would turn away, for in so doing it would lose its power over me.  For these distractions are passing.  If I would stay focused on the joy, they would not matter to me at all.

Indeed, should I truly appreciate this joy, I would scorn at any frustration’s attempt to tear my eyes away from the beauty I hold in my heart.

The Origin of Evil

     This was what I was thinking about today and I decided to write it down, so I thought I would post it here.

     Without the existence of evil, how can there be good?  Therefore, did God create the evil in the world as well?  And if He did not, then who did create it?  Who else has the power to create?  Satan was the “origin” of evil, but if we accredit him with the creation of evil, is that not taking away the sovereignty of God?  The word “create” is defined as “to bring something into existence.”  If one being that was created itself can also bring something into existence from nothing, then who is to say that we all can’t?  And if all have this ability, then who is the Lord that He should be God?  I believe that although God did not create evil itself, for everything He made was good, I believe that He allowed the ability for us to do evil.  He created the choice that we all have to make between good and evil, a choice that we face every day.  When we choose the wrong thing – when we choose evil over good – the evil actions we commit and the consequences of those actions are a result of the choice that God created.  In other words, the evil that comes when we sin is a product of the choice.  God did not create the evil, nor did we.  It is a result of something God created that we have twisted and used in a wrong way.  We could always choose the good, which is what God intended for us to do, but we don’t always, and this results in evil.  God provided us with this choice between the two, because without it, it would mean nothing that we always followed Him.  We could do nothing else, because there would be no other option.  We couldn’t love God if we didn’t have the option to not love Him, because He would be forcing us to love Him, which is not love at all.