Two Days

Despite my ever-shortening memory with the ever-increasing time between now and college, I remember self talk from Psych. I remember learning that it's not always crazy to talk to yourself, and I remember that sometimes only you can convince yourself of your own worth, meaning, or importance. Sometimes I have to tell myself I'm awesome just to believe I'm okay. Just to be okay. Tonight, I remind myself that I can get through anything for two days. I use that one a lot. I can get through anything for a week, a month, probably even a year. It's those indefinite things that scare the shit out of me. There's nowhere to go from there, no foreseeable end to whatever cycle is being perpetuated, no way to convince myself that it'll get better. It forces me to focus on myself rather than the removal of the unwanted stimulus of my discomfort. It's harder to convince yourself you're awesome when you don't believe it than to convince yourself you can get through two days. Anyone can get through two days. You don't have to be anyone special to do that. You have to be special to be awesome. Hell, you have to be special to be okay.

Finite

Anxiety stems from my finiteness, such definition, such absoluteness. I know that one day I will die. What I don’t know is how or when or why. What kills me even more is that those I love will be no more, torn away before I’m ready, so forlorn. Am I alone in this fear, these tears? Or do we all hold this inside, the bitter idea that we will die? Maybe it’s a natural human tendency; maybe we’re transcended endlessly, never capable of meeting expectations set by an infinite God; maybe we’ve been outdone by the one we laud. Or maybe we’re still holding our belief at arm’s length. If we believe when convenient, then I think we’re all in agreement, this way of life is not deviant. We place standards on ourselves to overcome, but we’re out to overcome the one we can’t even run from.

A Farewell

Here is my farewell to 2014 in the form of a few of my written thoughts from throughout the year.

Sometimes I wish I had pen and paper with me at all times.

Sometimes I almost cry just because I have to eat my ice cream alone.

Sometimes I need a change of scenery to help me think, to help me not go insane.

Sometimes the weather's nice and I'm still not entirely happy.

It amazes me at times that I can still smile.

Sometimes I enjoy the delicious taste of the expression of rage. Other times I am repulsed by my own abrasiveness.

Sometimes I wish my college life could just go back to reading textbooks and taking exams.

I'm only emotionally stable when it's absolutely necessary.

I wish I was as awesome as I imagine I am.

There are some mistakes that no one can prevent you from. And there are some mistakes that if prevented you would never become the person you are today or the person you will be in the future.

The End of Love

How can it be over?

How could it ever end?

How am I to recover

When we’re barely even friends?

This is my heart.

It’s been broken in two.

I never thought at the start

That I’d be crying over you.

How did it get to this stage?

How did we fall out of love?

How did we turn the page

When I thought we’d never move?

I haven’t really fallen out.

My love is just as strong.

My tears seem to never run out

Because this went on so long.

How could I stop loving you?

Do you think it could end so fast?

Was not my heart ripped in two

When you said that it couldn’t last?

I’m not sure what your feelings are.

You say that you love me still.

I’ve believed what you’ve told me so far

And now I just don’t have the will.

Acrostic

All this time I’ve been
Barely breathing, living, always
Crying out, searching for
Death, wishing for an
End; but none is
Forthcoming. Maybe it is
God. Maybe what I need is
Him to fill my life, or
In the very least, to not
Jilt me. He could even
Kill me, as long as He never
Leaves me. I have already
Mentioned that I want
Nothing more than death.
Old age is not something I
Presume to acquire, though I
Question often my own
Reasoning for the incredibly
Sad outlook I maintain
Today and every other day I live
Under heaven. I cannot always
Verify the origins of my
Wonderings, but I ask, is God like an
X-Ray machine, able to see into
You and me, asking why we act like we have
Zero options when He gives us so much potential?

The Beginning at the End

This is the end. The end and the beginning. The end of all I've ever known. The beginning of all I've never known. Every moment is an end. Every moment is a beginning. Because nothing is ever the same. Because nothing that is here stays. Because nothing that is not here stays away. This is life. This is my life. This is everyone's life. Life is changing. Life is ending. Life is beginning.