I momentarily forget the pain my heart is in. How that is possible, I don't know. My tired mind not only forgot why I was sad, but when I remembered, was still not sad in the same sense. Not only was my mind affected by this momentary lapse in attention, but my whole being, my whole body, felt different. The weight that had been on me was gone, though only until I finally lied down in bed. My tired body relaxed after an exhausting night of stressfulness. And as the exhaustion seeped out of my body merely through the relaxation of my muscles, the heaviness seeped back into my bones, ready to destroy me for another day. I remembered what was so sad, even if I couldn't quite feel it yet. My body could feel it even when my heart and mind couldn't. But the heaviness is more than merely a weight on my body, but also on my soul. A connection I made long ago has been severed, by no desire of mine. It's not the same as breaking up or drifting away. That being is no longer here at all. That entity no longer exists. I feel his absence more strongly that I have ever felt anything in my life. I have missed him before while away, but nothing like this. This is the weight of not only a knowledge of his complete and total absence, but a deep understanding of it, a feeling you can't shake, a heaviness ever present with you even when you are thinking of or doing something completely unrelated. It only left momentarily because of my exhaustion. The weight may continue to lift at intervals as time goes on, but it will never truly leave me. I can never be the same person as I used to be, because I will never have him again, and who I was was who I was with him. Now I will be who I am without him. I just don't know who that is yet.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Myselves
It's difficult at times to see the connection between myself and my younger self. The things that I did, the thoughts that I thought, the ways I thought of right and wrong, what I thought was right and wrong, all are often detached, as though I'm remembering someone else's memories, or attempting to remember something that I was only told about rather than something I lived. I suppose we change, we essentially become different people, we transform into another person when we no longer hold the same views, have the same tastes, or behave in the same fashion. Yet when I think of the emotions behind my actions and thoughts, I realize that I witness those same emotions daily even still. Perhaps I don't have the same insecurities, but I still have insecurity. Maybe I don't worry about the same things, but I still have problems with anxiety. Emotion is the connection to the past. Emotion holds our memories in place. Emotion ties us to our former selves, those people we used to be. We're ultimately always the same person. Time can make our memories fade and our own experiences seem foreign. The way we feel about those memories may change; the way we deal with new experiences may change. But we still have the same basic emotions we've always had, which allows us to feel our memories even when we can't relate to them anymore.