Finite

Anxiety stems from my finiteness, such definition, such absoluteness. I know that one day I will die. What I don’t know is how or when or why. What kills me even more is that those I love will be no more, torn away before I’m ready, so forlorn. Am I alone in this fear, these tears? Or do we all hold this inside, the bitter idea that we will die? Maybe it’s a natural human tendency; maybe we’re transcended endlessly, never capable of meeting expectations set by an infinite God; maybe we’ve been outdone by the one we laud. Or maybe we’re still holding our belief at arm’s length. If we believe when convenient, then I think we’re all in agreement, this way of life is not deviant. We place standards on ourselves to overcome, but we’re out to overcome the one we can’t even run from.

Changes and God and Stuff

My life has changed a lot over the last several years. Looking back on previous posts I see a girl who was all for outwardly expressing my love for God. I don’t see that in myself now. Sometimes I wish I did. But when I think about it, I’m not even sure I knew who God was then. I’m not sure I know who God is now. But I do know that I would like to find out.

Caring Again

I could never stop caring. Even when I want to, my heart burns inside of me with the pain of those around me. Even when I want to believe that I could focus on my own pain, my own problems, I still feel what they feel. I know I’m not literally feeling it. But I cannot help but imagine what they are feeling, to want to do something about it, even in situations when I can’t.

I remember the time I killed a spider. I do it all the time and I never think twice. But there was this one time. I let it live in my window for a month and a half until it got cold. At first it would run away when I would open or close the window, but gradually it got used to me. I had never hurt it, so it just stayed still. I became afraid that it would come all the way inside as it grew colder, I guess. But what could it really have done? But out of my concern for myself, I killed it. And it sat there and let me. It knew all that time I wouldn’t hurt it because I never had. And then I did. Worse than that, I killed it. And it didn’t even move an inch when I came in with a tissue to end its life.

That may seem petty to you. Ridiculous that I would even care about something that stupid and small. But I can’t help but feel as though I betrayed something. I let my concern for myself override my compassion for others, and that one instance has bothered me for the last three years. It doesn’t mean I never kill spiders. It just means I don’t let them trust me and then kill them, and if I can avoid killing them, I do.

You might think I’m one of those crazy people who is all for not killing anything at all under any circumstance. But stay with me for a minute.

As I drove home today from school, I had a lot weighing on my mind. But I tried not to let it undermine my happiness about my graduation. And then I saw this deer. It had been hit by a car and was still in the road. But as I passed, I saw it move. Its breath steamed in the cold air. It was still alive. Just lying there, waiting to be hit again at the bottom of a hill. I did everything I could think to do, and the man who had hit it came back to end its life. I was just glad it wouldn’t have to suffer anymore.

I could have kept driving. I could have thought, I’m not equipped to do anything in this situation, so I don’t need to try. I could have said that it wasn’t worth it or I could have ignored it in order to continue focusing on my attempt to remain happy. But I couldn’t do that. How could I put my own happiness before something like that? It didn’t even enter my mind.

I am moved by compassion regularly. People tell me it makes me a good person. But does that really define a good person? Shouldn’t people just feel that way anyway? But I get caught up on things just as much as other people. It isn’t till it’s staring me in the face, just like tonight, that I am moved enough to act.

It bothers me that I let things pass so often that I could have prevented or at the very least helped with. And it bothers me that it can be so easy to just ignore the suffering in the world. It bothers me most during the times that I find myself unable to ignore it. When I feel so strongly about something that I can’t let it pass. Because I don’t know why I can at other times. And I don’t know how people can every day. How can we pass something or someone suffering and do nothing or think that we can’t or shouldn’t help? I can’t understand the feeling. And yet I feel it in myself. Sometimes I want that. Sometimes I don’t want to have to deal with the death and suffering this world throws at us, as though if I ignore it, it’s not really there because I am not thinking about it. But I simply don’t have that option.

Death is a part of this world. Suffering is a part of this world. Pain is a part of this world. That’s the reality of it. And if that’s reality, then isn’t there anything we can do about it, that we should do about it? Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like as people who say we follow God, we should be willing to put ourselves aside a little more often for the sake of those around us to alleviate the suffering we see in the world. Or at the very least to not add to it.

Poem

Written for the dreams of the dead and dying
Deceived by those who are always lying
Their tongues drip with deception
Bitter cold is their reception
Some, desperate for love, think to find it here
I cannot find love in hatred-filled sneers
Oh, God, come cleanse me from the evil beside me
Rip out the fingers around the heart inside me
They are hopeful that they can claim me for their own
Unfortunately for them, I am not alone
I am far beyond their touch
They cannot count me as such:
I am no longer under their false power
You fill me more with Yours every passing hour
I do not seek from them love I do not need
I have what I want and I pay them no heed
I cannot be counted among the dead
Despite any whispered words they have said
Neither am I the one who is dying
It is merely them practicing lying
But some are deceived, some are dying and they are dead
It is for any hope they have, these words I have said
I know there is hope because my soul is saved
And I hope with this hope, the Way I have paved

Threat

This is not just some childish fear; this is a legitimate threat. But as real as this threat is, the fear itself is what it threatens with. The separation from that which protects. The love we have within us from the God of the universe has the ability to cast out all fear. When we focus on this threat, we are letting go of that love and grasping at fear instead, as though this fear could save us. But it is the love that saves, the power we inherited through that love. The power of the living God within us. The threat they hold over us can only be in the physical realm or in the mental. They can affect our physical world, and we can allow them to infiltrate us with the fear they so desire us to have, letting it grow in our minds. Yet we do not have to do even this. As long as we are under the blood of Jesus Christ and trusting in His love and the power He shows through us, they cannot harm us, and we will not fear them. For as real of a threat as they can be, they have no real power. The only power they have is that which we give them in fear. They can have no affect on us in a spiritual sense. While they can continuously lead us farther from God through deceptions we choose to believe or through the fear that makes it difficult to trust, they cannot take our souls. They have no access to the most important part of our being, the real part of us, as our souls are held by God, and He doesn't ever let go.

Acrostic

All this time I’ve been
Barely breathing, living, always
Crying out, searching for
Death, wishing for an
End; but none is
Forthcoming. Maybe it is
God. Maybe what I need is
Him to fill my life, or
In the very least, to not
Jilt me. He could even
Kill me, as long as He never
Leaves me. I have already
Mentioned that I want
Nothing more than death.
Old age is not something I
Presume to acquire, though I
Question often my own
Reasoning for the incredibly
Sad outlook I maintain
Today and every other day I live
Under heaven. I cannot always
Verify the origins of my
Wonderings, but I ask, is God like an
X-Ray machine, able to see into
You and me, asking why we act like we have
Zero options when He gives us so much potential?

Empty Hands

Every day I asked for this to change, but there was a fear inside of me. A fear that made me question who I am and why I'm so capable of such horrible things. And every single promise that you whispered in my ear, that fear just kept growing until it consumed me. But I let that fear go, and I can see who you are. Your words gave me nothing. I've been running away for too long; I'm not running anymore. I will stand my ground and scream out loud: "My heart won't be yours."

This isn't mine, it's from one of my favorite songs, and possibly my favorite quote of all time from any song, because the implications are so powerful. We don't have to live in fear of what will happen when we do what we need to. There is nothing that we cannot live without besides God. The world will not end if we tell whatever is holding us back to get out of our life, if we tell it we will never belong to it. In fact, we will only be better for it. (The song is Empty Hands by Close Your Eyes).

Useless Tears

I feel so alone. So alone. Even God feels like He is not here. My heart hurts. My eyes fill with tears. I cannot contain all of the sadness inside of me and it seeks to leave through the salty tears leaking from my eyes. As though they could really help. As though they will alleviate the sorrow within me, as though they will lessen it at all. What good are tears? They will not help my pain, they will never take away my hurt. My heart aches and my response is to cry? What good will it do me? What will crying do besides stain my cheeks with tears? How can it ever make me feel better? But even though I scorn them, I know I will not be able to stop them. I cannot hold them off for long. I can already feel this building inside of me, pressing outward on my chest, trying to escape, and then constricting upon my heart in an attempt to force the cries from me. And soon I will give in, for even these words do nothing to console me.

7-8-12 11:09PM

Favorite Song :)

So I'm pretty sure I have a new favorite song. It's by Close Your Eyes (which is, by the way, one of my all time favorite bands). I've listened to them for awhile, but I just heard this song for the first time a week ago. It's called Heavy Hearts. My favorite part is when it says this:

It is Your hands that carry me; it is Your voice that spoke of a love I never knew. It is Your grace that fills me; it is Your love that sustains; if there is hope, it is You.

It sounds so amazing....the lyrics and the way it's sung. I feel like all of Close Your Eyes' lyrics are really powerful. I mean...how often do we really think of that - that God really is all we need? I know I don't much and it's probably the hardest thing in the world for me to remember. I'm always wanting something else it seems. Anything else, as though He's not enough. But how could I ever forget all He's done for me even in the short time I have been alive? And yet I do foget. So very often.

Published

     "Today, which is Sunday, April 1, 2012, I received an email from MVNU's Penmarks, the literary journal, that read this way: 'We would like to publish your works "Incomplete," "The Confession" and "Understanding" in the 2012 edition of Penmarks. Thank you for your interest in the journal. Penamarks will be available the first week of May.'
     "I'm going to be published. I am a published author. This was my dream. It took so long to sink in that my dream came true - and it will be before my nineteenth birthday.  Something I wrote will be PUBLISHED. Do you have any idea what this means to me? I...I don't even know what to say.  When I first read the email, I screamed...a few times. Then I sat in shock for a while. I got up and danced and jumped up and down from sheer excitement. I cried. I danced some more. I returned to sitting in shock.  My emotions are in a whirl.  Is this the way all writers feel when they find out they're published for the first time? It's so hard to explain precisely how I feel in this moment. This may have been one of the best days of my life. This...this means so much to me. It gives me hope. It makes me think that maybe I'm not crazy for thinking I should spend my life writing. It makes me think that I may actually be good at it and that maybe my other dreams will come true some day - that I will publish my book and I don't know what else. Oh God. Thank you so much. I just keep telling Him that. Oh, you have no idea what this means to me...how happy it has made me feel...how excited I feel inside at times, and how numb I feel right now as I sit in utter shock writing this. I may be making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe what has happened is trivial to all others, meaningless and ordinary. But I don't care. Because to me - to me this is everything. This is what I've always wanted. My heart feels so different. I'm not sure I've ever been so happy in my entire life. My dream...one of my dreams has been realized this day. And oh how I will feel when I see it printed in ink! When I hold those papers in my hand - the magazine which will contain my words; yes, words composed by myself. How can I even begin to imagine how that will feel? One of my dreams came true tonight. It gives me hope that maybe other dreams will coem true as well. It is impossible to describe this feeling - it is one of accomplishment, of happiness, excitement, surprise and wonder. I can't describe it, but I know I want to hold on to it. This night is one I always want ot remember. I don't know how I could possibly forget. This is the night on which I learned that three things I wrote (three!) are to be published - the night I learned I was to be published for the very first time. It's not exactly something that will easily fade from memory. In fact, I'm certain that it never will."

4-2-12 12:40am

Incomplete

When every page I write is stained with tears,

When each moment that passes is filled with fears,

I miss You more, why aren’t You here?

Will You ever again fill my life?

Will I ever be rid of all this strife?

I want You to remove from my heart this knife.

I placed it there when I walked away.

Oh, my God, why didn’t I stay?

No matter what, I always stray.

You were my all, my life, my hope,

So tie me to You with the strongest rope –

For I no longer have the ability to cope.

Am I too far beyond Your reach?

I beg You, please, take away this breach!

How many times must You I beseech?

But whose fault is this, after all?

Who is it who built up these many walls?

When I realize the answer, to my knees I fall.

I recognize that I’m to blame,

For playing a very dangerous game

And abandoning Your precious name.

When will I realize You’re waiting for me?

You never left; oh, when will I see

That You’re waiting here to make me free?

Ecclesiastes Part 4

Definitely didn't post one a day... But here's another!

Ecclesiastes Chapter Four

Verses 1-3

Because of all the evil and oppression in the world Solomon is saying that the ones who are no longer living here are better off than those still alive, and the ones who have it best are the ones who have not yet lived and therefore have not seen all the evils of the world.

Verses 4-8

He is talking about selfishness here – whether it is someone coveting what someone else has, or constantly laboring just to gain more for oneself.  He says that both are worthless pursuits – “grasping for the wind.”

Verses 9-12

This stresses the importance of human companionship.  Although God truly is all we need, He gave us other people for a reason – because it was “not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18).  God wants us to have friends, to have people who will hold us up and who we can do the same for.  They can help us in practical matters and in spiritual matters.

Verses 13

Age and status and wealth are not important – wisdom matters more.  As my professor says often, “You can have a wise young person, and you can have an old fool.”

Ecclesiastes Part 3

This one is pretty short...


Ecclesiastes Chapter Three

Verses 1-8

Everything has a time and a purpose on earth – even things that have bad connotations, such as death, mourning, killing, and hatred.  Although this was not God’s original plan, these things are now present in His creation.  But God is telling us that even these things can be used by Him – even these things have a time and a purpose.  In giving a positive and its corresponding negative, we are reminded that when we are in bad times, there is a purpose for them, and that there will be a time for good times again in the future.  This also serves as a reminder in the good times that there will be bad times – we shouldn’t waste our time in meaningless pleasures (though there is nothing wrong with enjoying life), and instead enjoy and treasure those times and use them to distress.

Verse 11

God puts eternity in our hearts – He lets us know that this life is not the only one, but that there is life after death, and He causes us to naturally have a desire for that.  Also, He makes everything beautiful in its time – He can make things beautiful that we do not think of as beautiful.  And even the things we think of as beautiful, if we try to do them out of context and not in their time, they will not be beautiful.

“A Time for Hate”

God tells us through Solomon that there is a time for hate, and yet years later, Jesus tells us that we are not to hate anyone, and that we are to love even our enemies.  I think that maybe he is talking about a hatred for things, not people.  We are allowed to hate, but we are not allowed to hate people.  Exempli gratia, we can hate a person’s sin, but not the actual person.

Ecclesiastes Part 2

Here is the next chapter! (By the way, if you're reading this, it might make more sense if you read the corresponding chapter along with it).

Ecclesiastes Chapter Two

Verses 1-11

Solomon sought out many riches; he acquired many things to give him pleasure.  He had everything he could possibly want, and his heart rejoiced.  But he says that this was his only reward – the temporary pleasure from his possessions.  There was no lasting reward; it was all worthless.  He asks what laughter accomplishes – what was the point of the pleasure he had found?  Did it accomplish any good?  He says that it didn’t – it was all vanity.

Verse 3

This verse seems to support the idea that there are conflicting interests within us.  If we are followers of God, then our hearts will seek Him – we will want His wisdom.  Yet at the same time, our flesh still desires the things of this earth.  With the following verses, he seems to include desiring pleasurable things (such as many possessions) as a fleshy desire that will not satisfy.  I think he is saying that you cannot follow both, just like in the New Testament where we are told that we cannot serve two masters.

Verses 12-16

In life, the wise excels the fool, just as light is superior to darkness (13).  But he says that the same things happen to everyone (12, 15-16), whether they are wise or foolish.  Their lives will come to an end the same, and they will be forgotten the same, for everything that is now will be forgotten in the days to come.

Verses 17-21

He hated life because everything that was done on earth he saw as worthless.  Everything we do must be left behind for the ones who come after us, be they wise or fools.  Our work done in wisdom may be left to a fool and this made Solomon hate all that he had done in wisdom, because it would be left to another.  We labor hard and have to leave it to someone else who has done nothing for it.

Verses 22-26

Life is sorrowful, all the time, therefore we should enjoy our labor and all the things we receive, for God gives those who follow Him this ability.  I think he is saying that without this ability, then our lives will always be sorrowful.  So enjoyment of life through God is the best thing for a person (24).  To the person who God does not see as good, he gives labor as well, but He gives the fruit of His work to the good.

Solomon says that all of this is vanity and grasping for the wind – yet he says it is something ordained by God; something caused for the benefit of His followers… Is he just saying that their attempts to labor for themselves and not for God are worthless because God will take from them what they gain?  Perhaps he is saying that it is meaningless and useless to not turn to God and be satisfied.  For when we do, we are then able to enjoy what we have attained.

Ecclesiastes

     I've been reading the book of Ecclesiastes recently in the Bible.  I've always liked that book, for some reason.  This time I decided to write about it as well.  It's mostly been to help me remember it and to figure out for myself what I think it is talking about, but I decided to share what I've been writing.  This is from chapter 1 and I'm going to do my best to post another chapter every day.  And if you read this, comments would be awesome, because I would love to hear if you agree or disagree with my perception of Solomon's words in this book.  And there are some things that I completely do not understand at times, and would love to know if you do!

Ecclesiastes Chapter One

Verses 1-11

The earth continues on, but humans are only here a short time; then they are gone.  No one does anything new, and nothing new can be found on earth, for it has already been done.  But no one remembers the things that have already happened, just as no one will remember the things of the future once they too have become things of the past.

Verse 8

It was talking about the labor of the earth, and says this: “All things are full of labor; man cannot express it.  The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.”  I think this is just saying that we are not satisfied with just watching the world; that we want to experience things for ourselves.  After this verse, it talks about how nothing is new, and yet no one remembers that it has already happened.  I think Solomon is saying that we aren’t happy only seeing that someone else has done it, so we choose to forget what happened before us.

Verses 12-18

“For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow.” (v. 18)

Does Solomon not appreciate the gift of wisdom that he asked for and received from God?  Maybe he does appreciate it, but at the same time, with all his knowledge and wisdom he knows of all the evil that goes on in the world, therefore he is lamenting the fact that with this gift also came the curse of knowing of all the evil going on beyond his control (He says later in Chapter Three that “in the place of judgment, wickedness was there; and in the place of righteousness, iniquity was there.”  He wishes he did not have the realization that there is so little good “under the sun” and that in its place is sin and wickedness).  Because of his wisdom, he has been able to see all of the worthless pursuits on earth (14), and it seems as though he wonders if seeking wisdom is simply another worthless pursuit because of this “curse” it brings with it (17, 18).

“Grasping for the Wind”

Solomon uses the phrase “grasping for the wind” throughout the entire book of Ecclesiastes, saying about nearly everything he talks about that it is “vanity and grasping for the wind.”  He is saying that these things are useless pursuits; attempts that always fail.  You can feel the wind, but you can never hold it.  He’s talking about worthless pursuits – you can work at it all you want, but you will never achieve your goal.

Can one take hold of the wind?  Can one grasp it firmly in his grip?  Indeed, the wind clearly exists, but cannot be captured – it can be felt, but never held.

Love Perfected

     For lack of anything better to post, I'm going to put on another poem I wrote a while ago!  Because I don't want to just stop writing anything on here, like I did before. At least this is something.
     I wrote this one, again, in November, 2010. I called it Love Perfected because of the theme throughout of God's perfect love, and how hard it is sometimes to realize that His really is a perfect love. Love in our world is so imperfect, often broken, untrue. But God took what we fail at and perfected it.  He perfected love.

Love Perfected

When my world falls apart,
Yours holds together.
Your world is not my world -
They are different from each other.
In my world I am alone,
Away from You.
In Yours is only love,
And You want me there too.

You want us to unite,
But instead I choose to fight.
Because the love You offer confuses me.
How could I be loved so perfectly?

There is no perfect love,
But Yours seems so close to that.
You died so I could live -
I can't understand that.
This is perfect love.
It's found in You alone - You are the only way.
And although I've chosen life,
It seems I die every day.

If only I would trust You.
But I don't truly trust You.
I know it's my decision,
But I fear I face collision.

I know I cannot truly see
All Your love has done for me.
This perfect love, how could it be
That you would pour it out on me?
I proclaim to follow You,
I'm not embarrassed of Your truth.
And yet somehow it seems so unreal.
Oh, God, teach me how to feel!

I only hold pieces of my life,
The rest I give to You.
I hold these pieces back,
But I know You want them too.
Why won't I give them up,
And let go of this control?
Because I have been hurt,
But You could make me whole.

I must die to my life,
Live only through Your life.
I want to learn to trust You.
I want to give it all to You.

Teach me how to give.
Teach me how to live.
Teach me how to die.
Make me whole inside.

Writing, Truth, and Other Important Things

     So my thoughts wander around a lot in this one…I just thought I would warn you…
And also, I wrote this on July 31, but didn't have internet till now, so I wasn't able to post it then.

     Recently I have felt very little need to write, as though I have less to say than I used to.  I still have a great desire to write, but the words simply don’t come.  Perhaps if someone told me something specific to write about, then I would find the words to say and could write again.  But I have not been able to think of anything worth writing about recently.  And yet, I am the same.  And if I am the same, then why do I not feel the same?  Why do I not feel the same need as I used to, and write the same as I used to?  I still feel the same emotions; I feel them just as strongly, and yet the need to describe them is simply not there.

     For a time, I wrote of almost everything – the way I felt, my thoughts; I wrote about people I knew, I wrote about things I did.  I would write about God, I would write stories.  I would write truth and I would write fiction.  And yet, even the fiction was in a way the truth.  For even if the story itself was make-believe, the values behind them, the thoughts and emotions of a character were real to someone – there was someone in the world feeling that way.  Unless something is illogical, it is truth.  Even if it is not completely true, there is truth in it.  That’s the way I see it anyway.  Even if something has been made up, if the values, beliefs and feelings behind it are true, then there is truth contained even in fictitious writing.

     But anyway, back to what I was saying… Although I haven’t felt as though I needed to write much recently, this is something I felt a need to write.  I felt a desire.  And I wrote it.  It’s not the best thing I’ve ever written, certainly not.  But it is writing.  And at this point, I care very little what I write; just that I write at all encourages me.  Though something I do very much wish to write in is my book.  I haven’t written anything probably for a couple weeks.  I’ve done that before, of course, and normally it wouldn’t bother me too much, but I’ve done this so much recently.  I had really wanted to finish it this summer, and I can see now that with only 27 days until school starts, that is not going to happen this summer.

     To be honest, the only reason I write anything like this is to inspire myself to write more.  It used to work, but it has not lately. I enjoy writing it, but I hope as I write that it will give me inspiration to write more, that it will put me in a mood to write more imaginative things…things such as my book.  But lately, it has not worked.  Instead, my mind just wanders from subject to subject and I write it all down and come up with some jumbled mess of words such as what you have just read…

The Origin of Evil

     This was what I was thinking about today and I decided to write it down, so I thought I would post it here.

     Without the existence of evil, how can there be good?  Therefore, did God create the evil in the world as well?  And if He did not, then who did create it?  Who else has the power to create?  Satan was the “origin” of evil, but if we accredit him with the creation of evil, is that not taking away the sovereignty of God?  The word “create” is defined as “to bring something into existence.”  If one being that was created itself can also bring something into existence from nothing, then who is to say that we all can’t?  And if all have this ability, then who is the Lord that He should be God?  I believe that although God did not create evil itself, for everything He made was good, I believe that He allowed the ability for us to do evil.  He created the choice that we all have to make between good and evil, a choice that we face every day.  When we choose the wrong thing – when we choose evil over good – the evil actions we commit and the consequences of those actions are a result of the choice that God created.  In other words, the evil that comes when we sin is a product of the choice.  God did not create the evil, nor did we.  It is a result of something God created that we have twisted and used in a wrong way.  We could always choose the good, which is what God intended for us to do, but we don’t always, and this results in evil.  God provided us with this choice between the two, because without it, it would mean nothing that we always followed Him.  We could do nothing else, because there would be no other option.  We couldn’t love God if we didn’t have the option to not love Him, because He would be forcing us to love Him, which is not love at all.

May 16, 2011

     Tomorrow it will have two years since I began writing something longer than I’ve ever written before.  When I started writing, I had no clue where it was going to go; I didn’t know if I would ever even finish writing it, or if it would be like all the rest and I would eventually run out of things to write in it.  But soon after I started it, I realized that, regardless of if I finished it or not, it was the most important writing project I had ever worked on, and possibly the most important I ever will.  And somehow it made me feel that because of that, I would finish it.  And even though two years later, I have yet to finish this book I have begun, I still believe that I will one day finish it.  I gave this book to God.  I gave it to Him when I realized that it was His reply to the prayer I prayed the day before I began writing – the prayer I prayed exactly two years ago today.  I had stood thinking of all the people who don’t know what I know, don’t have what I have – the people who don’t know God, the people that don’t have Him in their lives.  It brought me to tears, and I knew I wanted to do more than I was currently to show them what I know, so that they could know as well, so that they could have what I have gained in Christ.  But I didn’t know how I could possibly reach as many people as I wanted to.  In fact, I didn’t know how I could reach anyone – I came in contact with few people during that time, and I didn’t know how I could make an impact on anyone’s life, especially with the difficulty I had, and still have to an extent, with talking to people I don’t know very well.  I can be extremely shy.  But I knew that God can do anything He wants to, and so I prayed through my tears for the lost that God would use me however He saw fit, and that I would be able to reach out to those without Him and be able to say what I needed to, even though it was difficult for me.  I wrote down my prayer to Him and the date: May 16, 2009.

     The very next day I began writing a story.  I had come up with the idea for this particular tale years earlier, but that day, I actually began writing it.  I thought nothing of starting a new story, because I started them so often.  I never finished them, but I started so many, that one more didn’t seem like a big deal.  But as time went on, and I began to write more and more, I thought maybe I would actually finish a story I began.  I began to hope that I would, and that God would use it for His glory, as my book is a story about God, in a way.

     One day I looked in a notebook I had and saw my prayer that I had written to God months earlier.  I realized then that I had asked God to use me, and to show me what I could do for Him the day before I began writing the book I now very much wanted God to use.  I knew it was His answer.  He will use my book somehow.  Something good will come of me writing it, I am certain.  Even if I never finish it, I think He would still find a way to use it.  That is my prayer – that God would use this book for His purposes.  I believe that He will, as long as I keep Him my main reason for writing it.  And I honestly don’t think that could ever change.  I want to once more proclaim that I want God to use me – I want Him to send me where He wants to, and give me His words to speak.  I want it now just as much as ever.  I still want Him to show me my way to reach the world around me.  And I think He has.

Cait