Worth Living For

So I was thinking tonight. And this was where my mind went, so I thought I would share my thoughts...

So many times I feel as though I am living my life for myself and not giving enough to God.  If I had to choose between my life lived all for God or all for me, I would want all for God.  I guess I'd never thought of it in those terms till now. I mean, I've always known that God wants all of me, but I really think that this is how it is:  If we live any part of our lives for ourselves instead of God, then we'll end up living most, if not every part, of our lives for ourselves, leaving very little or none of our lives for God.  But God created us!  We didn't create ourselves!  How could I ever presume to be better than God?  How could I ever imagine that I was more worth living my life for than God is, as though I deserve to be satisfied more than He?  God deserves my praise, my life, my all.  And I deserve none of it.  And yet, when I give Him what He deserves, no, not even that, less than what He deserves - I give my insignificant life, surrendered - He gives me what I could never deserve - He gives me life.  And not just any life - eternal life.  He gives an ongoing, never-ending life.  To me.  And I realize that I should be ashamed if I'm not giving Him all of me, and holding back of myself and desiring to satiate my own will and wants more than I desire to live for Him.

I know that I am like that at times.  Where I'd just rather do what I want to do, no matter what, even if God says He wants something different for my life.  But He deserves more than I could ever give Him, so I think I should give Him all that I possibly can.

Awhile back, I was coming out of a phase where God was not the focus of my life and where I was putting far too much importance on other things in my life, and I wrote this:

"I believe that God is awakening within me my lost passion and love and desire for Him.  I loved Him always, but not with the love He deserves from me; I didn't love with my whole heart.  But He will help me find that love again.  He is helping me find that love now.  My love. My passion. My desire.  I desire to have them back, the same as I had them before.  And yet not the same as before.  I want so much more.  I want a desire and a love and a passion so strong that I could never leave them again."

I want to always feel like that - to always want more of God.  I want to always be satisfied with Him, and yet not satisfied to the extent that I don't want more of Him.  If that even makes sense.  If any of this makes any sense to anyone but me...

Good Friday

     I wrote some of this over a year ago, but I rewrote a lot of it, and added even more. I thought now would be an appropriate time to say this here, since it is Good Friday and now more than ever I and many others are thinking of Jesus’ death on the cross.

     Several times during His ministry here on earth, people attempted to kill Jesus, but were unable to do so.  Luke 4:28-30 says this: “When they heard these things, [they] were filled with wrath, and rose up and thrust Him out of the city; and they led Him to the brow of the hill on which their city was built, that they might throw Him down over the cliff.  Then passing through the midst of them, He went His way.”  If this had been the only situation where such a thing occurred, it would probably be passed off as unimportant.  So He escaped when people tried to kill Him.  They killed Him in the end, didn’t they?  But it happened other times as well.  John 7:30: “Therefore they sought to take Him; but no one laid a hand on Him, because His hour had not yet come.”  John 10:39: “Therefore they sought again to seize Him, but He escaped out of their hand.”  It’s pretty crazy that He escaped death three times, don’t you think?  Even though they wanted to kill Him, they could not until the time had come for His crucifixion.  And even during His arrest in the garden of Gethsemane, before the soldiers took Him, He asked who they were seeking.  When told “Jesus of Nazareth,” He replied, “I am He,” and they fell to the ground.  Even right before His death, Jesus was in control.  And if He was able to stop them from killing Him all of these other times, then He was capable of saving Himself from the death that He died.  He allowed them to kill Him.  He willingly died.  Jesus did not die because they wanted Him dead; they had no power over Him and no control.  John 19:10-11 reads: “Then Pilate said to Him, ‘Are you not speaking to me?  Do You not know that I have power to crucify You, and power to release You?’  Jesus answered, ‘You could have no power at all against Me unless it had been given you from above.’”  The only reason they were able to put Him to death was because He let them.  God was in control the whole time; none of what happened to Jesus happened without His consent.  He died not because a lot of people wanted Him dead and hated Him, but because He loved us, despite the hatred many felt toward Him. He gave Himself willingly as a sacrifice for the remission of our sins.

     So many times, people complain about things not being fair – they complain about life not being fair.  I know I do sometimes.  But when I really think about it, I’m glad life isn’t fair.  I’m glad God isn’t fair.  What would have been fair for Him to do would have been to make all of us die, for we have all sinned (Romans 3:23) and death is the punishment for sin (Romans 6:23).  And not just a physical death, but a spiritual death, and eternal separation from God.  But instead of this, He loved us so much, that Jesus died in our place (John 3:16).  It wasn’t in any way fair to Jesus for Him to die for sins He had never committed.  It isn’t fair to any of us that we shouldn’t have to pay the penalty for our sins or that we should receive grace from God for them.  And yet Jesus really did die, willingly.  And God really does offer grace and salvation and eternal life.  It’s not fair and never will be, and it makes me glad that life isn’t fair.

     Jesus paid the ultimate price, dying on the cross.  The least we can do is remember His sacrifice and live for Him.

My life. My story. Me.

     The word "composition" has more than one meaning.  One refers to making something - composing it; often thought of in terms of writing.  Composition can also refer to what something is made of, the specific parts that make something a whole.  Although in a way, I did mean the title of this as a writing kind of composition, for much of what I will post here will be my own thoughts and writings and because writing is such a major part of my life, it has a different meaning as well.  For I believe that our whole lives are a story.  Here I will share about my life - my thoughts, dreams, feelings, opinions and actions.  I will share those parts of my life - those pieces of my life that make up the whole of it.  And by doing so, I will be sharing the story of my life as it is being composed merely by living it. I believe that we are all composers.  Everything we say and do is forming a story.  Whether written or simply acted out, we are constantly constructing and composing that which is the story of our lives.  Our lives and our stories are ever being composed and formed - by ourselves, by others in our lives, and by God.  The words we say, the words we write, the actions we take, all fit into our story and make up who we are.  And the same for those in our lives, as each fits into our story in a unique way.  And ultimately, I want my story to be formed by God.  I know not everyone includes God in their life story, but I also know how much they are missing when they do not.  They are missing a comfort in times of distress and they are missing a joy I could never express.  They are missing a Savior.  I want God to be a part of my story as well, and I know that He is willing for it to be so.

     So that is what this is. This is my life. This is my story. This is me.