Worth Living For

So I was thinking tonight. And this was where my mind went, so I thought I would share my thoughts...

So many times I feel as though I am living my life for myself and not giving enough to God.  If I had to choose between my life lived all for God or all for me, I would want all for God.  I guess I'd never thought of it in those terms till now. I mean, I've always known that God wants all of me, but I really think that this is how it is:  If we live any part of our lives for ourselves instead of God, then we'll end up living most, if not every part, of our lives for ourselves, leaving very little or none of our lives for God.  But God created us!  We didn't create ourselves!  How could I ever presume to be better than God?  How could I ever imagine that I was more worth living my life for than God is, as though I deserve to be satisfied more than He?  God deserves my praise, my life, my all.  And I deserve none of it.  And yet, when I give Him what He deserves, no, not even that, less than what He deserves - I give my insignificant life, surrendered - He gives me what I could never deserve - He gives me life.  And not just any life - eternal life.  He gives an ongoing, never-ending life.  To me.  And I realize that I should be ashamed if I'm not giving Him all of me, and holding back of myself and desiring to satiate my own will and wants more than I desire to live for Him.

I know that I am like that at times.  Where I'd just rather do what I want to do, no matter what, even if God says He wants something different for my life.  But He deserves more than I could ever give Him, so I think I should give Him all that I possibly can.

Awhile back, I was coming out of a phase where God was not the focus of my life and where I was putting far too much importance on other things in my life, and I wrote this:

"I believe that God is awakening within me my lost passion and love and desire for Him.  I loved Him always, but not with the love He deserves from me; I didn't love with my whole heart.  But He will help me find that love again.  He is helping me find that love now.  My love. My passion. My desire.  I desire to have them back, the same as I had them before.  And yet not the same as before.  I want so much more.  I want a desire and a love and a passion so strong that I could never leave them again."

I want to always feel like that - to always want more of God.  I want to always be satisfied with Him, and yet not satisfied to the extent that I don't want more of Him.  If that even makes sense.  If any of this makes any sense to anyone but me...