A Reasonably Reticent Representative of the Less than Lucrative's Late but Lengthy and Lucid Resolution.

I've come to doubt my own self worth over the last year. I have a college degree. I'm a reasonably intelligent human being. I have several goals I hope to but have still yet to attain. Yet I have lost the ability to communicate. More than half the time, I don't even try, not when more than 50 times a day my how are you's are answered with "I'll take a footlong on white" or "Give me a number four." When I say have a good day, I'm answered with "Okay." And if and when I make a mistake and have to start over, I'm told, "Seriously? I NEED that pizza!" I make less money than many jobs in this country start out paying and I've worked here almost two years. I get passed over for promotions based on my gender. I go to church, and I feel as though no one cares to talk to me, not based on their reactions, but based on my own opinions of myself. Why would anyone want to talk to me? I don't know what to say anymore because despite the fact that I talk to fifty to a hundred different people in a day, there is no connection. I'm not one of those people who wants to chat with you like we're friends when really I'm just making your sandwich. I don't want the connection of a friendship. I merely want a connection on a human level, acknowledgement that not only do I exist, but that I'm just as worthy of being greeted as you are, just as worthy of eating a pizza as you are. I'm embarrassed of where I work, not because it's unworthy or lowly. There are all kinds of jobs, and a person's worth is not based on how they pay their bills. I'm embarrassed because I'm not fulfilling my goals. I'm not working toward my dreams. I can't pay off my student loans because I make nine dollars an hour. I never see the people I care about because I work every evening. Well this is my New Year's resolution, a late one, albeit. This year I will pursue those dreams. I will meet those goals. Maybe not all at once. Probably not even until after my wedding. But I will edit my book. I will copyright my photos. I will send my book to a publisher. I will start my etsy store. My life will change this year. Not because I shouldn't work where I do. Not because no one I come in contact with sees my worth. Not because other people are judging me. But because I don't want to work there anymore. Because I can't see my own worth. Because I'm so busy judging myself that I can't even tell when other people aren't, that I can't step out of my comfort zone long enough to make any lasting connections, that I can't put any effort into what I really want from my life. When I'm consistently in contact with strangers who don't care to see my worth, I fail to see it myself. And when I fail to see my own worth, no one who cares to see it is able to.